Doubles
by all of the doughnuts
Summary: Darach hates couples. One-sided Valetshipping. Ignitionshipping.


_If I owned Pokémon, Ignitionshipping would be Serebii Confirmed by now. It's not. Clearly, I don't own Pokémon._

000

Although she spent a lot of time sleeping and therefore had little time to bond with him, from what he knew of her Darach quite liked his employer. Caitlin was not, technically, Darach's employer, but since she took charge of the Castle and he never saw his true employers, her parents, he thought of her as such. He had been hired to protect Lady Caitlin for his skills as a Trainer, but considering that he knew her better than her own parents by this point he knew she did not really need protection...when conscious. She may have even been a more competent Trainer than Darach. She certainly was when it came to the training of Psychic-types.

...actually, the truth was that Darach was more or less in love with Lady Caitlin, despite her age. He loved her narcolepsy. He loved her high, soft voice, like the songs of the Swablu when he got up at five thirty a.m. to serve her, her closet full of pink and white frills: her Riz Risa, her Le Sundae, her Crystalline Christ, her Saint Sugar. Light brown was by far, he decided, the most attractive color of hair a female could have. More women should wear their hair long, really, thought Darach.

But alas, Darach was only her butler and valet (although wasn't it usually men who had valets? Didn't women have a lady's maid? How unusual that her parents had gotten Lady Caitlin a valet...), he was not of an appropriate social station to confess his feelings to her.

So it stood to reason that what Darach did _not_ like was couples, especially the ones who decided to take the Battle Castle's multi battle challenge. Some of these couples (often honeymooning...what kind of a place was the Battle Frontier for a honeymoon? Really. People these days had no sense of what romance was) took the challenge because they thought it would be _romantic_ - ha! As if anything could be more romantic than the stolen looks from Darach to his Lady! As if the filthy, sordid lust of newlyweds could compare to the purity of Darach's feelings for Lady Caitlin! As if their devotion to each other would last one minute if one of them had to deny the others physical needs! A good thing Caitlin saw no reason for Darach to battle these couples. Darach had no intention of _ever_ stooping to their level. He didn't need to prove anything to them.

Some of these couples (not usually honeymooning) merely took the challenge because they thought it would be fun. Darach, despite what one might think, hated these couples more than the "romantics" - they lacked even the pretense of romantic ideals and honor, it was just "oh, let's go off to the Battle Castle for a few rounds of doubles, then go back home and sodomize each other!"

"Hey man, let's go the Battle Castle! Fight some doubles! And then we can go back to the hotel and-"

"Shut up, somebody might hear you. Besides, we're at the Battle Frontier to train, not to spend time in the hotel. Isn't that what the Elite Four do here? Train?"

Out of all these, Darach had a least favorite kind couple: the ones who felt the need to keep their committed state a secret. _What are you hiding?_ he thought haughtily._ Perversity? Deviance? Insecurity in yourselves? Planning to break up now that you've degraded yourselves until you're bored of each other, are you? It would serve you all right if you did, then you'd have time alone to think about what you had and how you squandered it!_

"I never said what we were going to do at the hotel."

"But you thought it."

"You can read my thoughts? We're that close now?"

And out of all of _these_, Darach had a particular least favorite couple. He tried to tell himself that he did not hear their voices, but judging from all the "ooh!" and "ahh!" and "sign this!" and "picture?" it was them. Darach mustered his dignity and, ignoring the Trainer who was taking the single battle challenge and trying to buy a berry for his next match, stiffly went to acknowledge them.

"Hey! Look at them, Volkner. They like me. They really like me!"

"Psh. Don't let it go to your head, it's as big as your Driftblim already."

And then, more quietly, but not under his breath because they were out of the lobby's earshot. "_What's_ as big as my Driftblim already?"

"Oh please," said Volkner. They hadn't spoken to the pink and green uniformed gophers on the way in, although Flint had opted to give them each a high-five. Everybody knew what they were here for even if it wasn't obvious to most people besides Darach (he saw a lot of couples, he knew how to spot them) what they _were_. "It is not as big as your Driftblim. Its size would be better compared to that of a Diglett."

"The average Diglett," Flint reminded him. "Is eight inches in size, and its Dig attack is super effective against Electric-types."

Volkner punched him on the arm, then looked at Darach. "You didn't hear any of that."

"Ow," grinned Flint.

Darach wished he could say he hadn't. "Welcome, Trainers. While in the Battle Castle," he said, sounding rather bored and tired. "You will manage your teams with Battle Points, et cetera, et cetera..."

"It's alright man," said Flint, waving his hand in dismissal. "You don't have to give us the spiel, we know. We know." Darach had not intended to give them the spiel anyway.

"Our Pokémon don't have any held items," said Volkner. "We planned ahead." He paused. "_I_ planned ahead, Flint didn't do anything."

"He planned ahead," Flint nodded.

Darach wanted to kick them, to silence their banter, to dilute their chemistry until it was only water which would douse the twin flames in their loins. They weren't even a good team in battle, they went down after a _couple_ (Darach flinched mentally at his own bad joke) of Earthquakes. One would think Volkner would invest in a Magnezone, or that Flint would get himself a Charizard. But no, they insisted on _matching_.

"Excuse m-" the Trainer who had been taking a Singles challenge began, then realized who they were. "Oh, wow! Are you guys here to do multi challenge?"

"Yeah," said Volkner.

The Trainer's challenge seemed all but forgotten in the face of watching two masters at work. "Forget what I was doing, this is awesome! I'll be watching!"

"Alright hotshot! Thanks for the support!" said Flint.

"Sure thing!" the Trainer called as he jogged off to get a good seat.

"Anyway," said Flint. "Can we get a couple of Shucas? We still have enough CP for that from last time, right?"

Well, at least they appeared to be learning from their past mistakes...

000

The learning they took from their past mistake apparently served Volkner and Flint well, because they won the first battle. They won the one after that. They kept winning. Most of their victories had nothing to do with Shuca berries, which they gave up on after the first couple of rounds since nobody was using Ground moves today for whatever reason. This was nothing new, they won more challenges than they lost, but Darach continued watching with rapt attention because when they did lose, it would be delicious, like it had been every other time they had lost in the Battle Castle. Every evening, the Frontier Brains sat around in a coffee house discussing the day's events, and every time somebody mentioned that members of the League had visited their establishment that day Darach would immediately ask "did you get it on tape?"

"...Darach! CP for these Trainers at once!"

A sixth pair of unfortunate Trainers shuffled away. They had expected to lose, had lost, and were all too happy to lose to Volkner and Flint, but were none the wiser, although for some reason people always seemed to think they would be after losing to someone of that skill level. Crawling helps one learn to walk, not falling off cliffs, thought Darach as he awarded the two Trainers with CP.

"Lady Caitlin," he informed Volkner. "Has instructed me to award you with 35 CP!"

"Hurr hurr," said Flint. "CP." Volkner punched him on the other arm since he was standing on Flint's other side now. "Ow."

"And," said Darach, turning to Flint. "Lady Caitlin has instructed me to award you with 31 CP!"

"How come he gets 35?" asked a grinning Flint, as he usually did when Volkner got more delicious CP than he did. "How come I only get 31?"

"I could not say. That is the amount of CP Lady Caitlin has instructed me to give you," Darach explained. It was not a lie but it was also not the whole truth; there were set ranges of CP a Trainer would be awarded upon completing X number of battles set up by Lady Caitlin herself, so technically, yes, that was how much CP Caitlin had at one point instructed Darach to award him.

Flint looked up and asked Caitlin himself. "Is that right?"

"Zzzzzz."

"Volkner always seems to have more CP than I do," laughed Flint.

"Flint. That's a stupid joke. Stop making it. It wasn't funny the first time."

"Please follow me back into the hallway," Darach said, feeling the need to move this along and stop all this vulgar talk in Lady Caitlin's presence. The CP jokes were also hitting closer to home than Flint knew. Caitlin, in case Darach needed reminding, was oh-so-very-underage, and anyone who knew of Darach's feelings for her might get the wrong idea.

"Darach! Wait!"

Had Caitlin really been asleep that time, or was she choosing to ignore Flint's question? Darach wondered as she descended from her throne...then remembered that this was _not_ one of his romantic fantasies, that she was probably _not_ coming descending from her throne to confess her love for him, and that he should be wondering why she _was_ descending from it. Much to his surprise, Lady Caitlin carried with her two Pokéballs...perhaps she intended to distribute one to each of the two and make them battle each other with random Pokémon for all of their combined CP, oh yes, ohhhhh yes...

"Although Frontier Brains do not usually partake in double or multi battles," said Caitlin. "I have decided that Darach will battle the two of you! As the only Trainer of your approximate strength present, I will serve as his partner!"

"Her?" Flint asked quietly. "But she's just a kid..." It was a surprise for them both.

The idea of Lady Caitlin _serving as his partner_ caused Darach's normally pale, bloodless skin to tinge a slightly warmer shade of bloodless pale. "My Lady!" he said, taking her arm in case sleep decided to take her suddenly. "Are you able?"

"Yes, Darach." Oh Arceus, the way she made his name sound...

He turned to address Volkner and Flint. "Your mastery of Pokémon is as breathtaking as ever. The two of you are surely to be commended...however, if I may say so, I noticed something about the way you battle. After all, I have the opportunity to watch you closely firsthand."

Although Darach, generally, was an observant man, it did not take a genius to notice that they had stopped renting items with their CP after two battles of renting them and not needing them.

"So, what is it I noticed? As a Trainer myself, it is but proper etiquette to show you in a battle! Let us begin! En garde!"

"Musharna!"

"Houndoom!"

"Luxray, let's go!"

"...wait, what is that thing?"

"I'm not sure, Flint..."

Damn! Yes, Musharna was her favorite Pokémon, but if only she were sending Bronzong first, it would have Levitate and his Empoleon could freely Earthquake their foes into submission...or her Metagross, Darach seemed to recall it knowing Earthquake and he would gladly command his Pokémon to take damage in the name of Lady Caitlin's victory...

"I think it's foreign. I think my dad showed me a book with one in it once."

"It's kind of cute! I wonder if it can learn Fire attacks..."

...but he could never subject Caitlin's Pokémon to friendly fire. If he sent out Empoleon now, he might be unable to battle when and if the time came for Caitlin to use Bronzong, and since Flint was already using a Houndoom and imitation might be perceived as a form of flattery there was only one choice.

"Gallade! En garde!"

For a moment they stared at each other, waiting for the referee to say something about how many Pokémon and substitutions they were each allowed...but there was no referee.

"Houndoom! Hit the pink thing with...hm..." since Flint didn't know Musharna's type, he went with the attack that would get a bonus from having the same type as its user. "...a Flamethrower!"

"Gallade! Direct a Close Combat at Houndoom!"

"Musharna, hypnotize the Luxray!"

"Luxray, use Crunch on the Gallade!"

As the Flamethrower headed for Darach and Caitlin's side of the arena, Gallade more or less vaulted over Musharna to try and stop Houndoom before his attack could hit. The Flamethrower did hit Musharna before Houndoom's weakness to Fighting attacks could spell his downfall, but Musharna's high Special Defense stat prevented too much damage. Luxray took advantage of Gallade's focus on pummeling Houndoom to sink his teeth into Gallade's leg. Gallade's defenses were down, and Darach could tell the attack had hurt him. Meanwhile, after taking the Flamethrower, Musharna stood on her hind legs, opened her eyes, and stared into Luxray's.

"Well," said Volkner. "That's just a little bit creepy."

Luxray stared back. He swayed on the spot, then fell over into peaceful slumber. Darach glanced at Caitlin to make sure she was not about to do the same, but to his surprise she was standing alert.

"Ugh," said Volkner as Flint recalled the fainted Houndoom.

"Magmortar! Go!"

"Dream Eater!"

"Gallade, another Close Combat against Magmortar!"

"Show Gallade your Fire Punch, Magmortar!"

"Luxray! _Wake up!_"

But Luxray would not wake up during that turn. Musharna got to enjoy one of his scrumptious dreams instead.

Gallade, being faster than Magmortar, managed to hit him a few times before a Fire Punch connected with his midsection. After defenses lowered two Close Combats and not a lot of hit points, Darach knew he wouldn't last the round.

"Return, Gallade!" Although neither Earthquake could not safely be used, he knew who he was sending out next. "Empoleon!"

"_Wake up!_" Volkner nearly pleaded. "Can you hear me?"

Should he target Magmortar and risk Luxray waking up? He knew Caitlin's Musharna to be a defensively oriented Pokémon; her Dream Eaters would probably not do enough damage to take Luxray down in two hits.

"Musharna! Dream Eater again!"

"Empoleon! Drill Peck at Luxray!"

"Use Thunder Punch on the Empoleon, Magmortar!"

Empoleon took advantage of the Quick Claw he was holding to strike first. Although Drill Peck was not very effective against the Electric type Luxray, combined with a second Dream Eater it was enough to take the Pokémon down. Before that happened, though, Magmortar's Thunder Punch did some super effective damage to Empoleon and, although it did not knock him out, he seemed to be paralyzed.

"It's alright," said Volkner, starting to smile a little. "You did good, Luxray...Electivire!"

"We should target the pink thing before it can Hypnotize us again," Darach heard Flint mutter to Volkner.

"Yeah."

Darach was not going to stand for that! "Hydro Canon on Magmortar!"

"Musharna, use Reflect!"

"Magmortar! Fire Punch!"

"Electivire! Thunder Punch!"

Empoleon tried his hardest to execute a Hydro Canon, but paralysis overtook him and he was unable to move. Although Musharna was defensively oriented, her physical defenses were lacking compared to her defense against special attacks. Lady Caitlin withdrew the Pokémon, clinging to Darach's arm.

"Oh. Darach. I feel...strange," she said. "Bronzong, I choose...zzzzz..." The Pokéball fell from her hand, but opened to release Bronzong all the same. Caitlin fell as well, but Darach caught her.

"Is she asleep?" Volkner called. "What do we do if she's asleep?"

"I dunno," said Flint. "Is there a rule about that?"

"The state of Lady Caitlin's consciousness matters not!" said Darach. "I am accustomed to battling in her stead, and will do so now!"

"Oh," said Volkner. "Okay! Electivire! Use Thunder Punch on Empoleon!"

"Magmortar!" called Flint. "Use another Fire Punch against Bronzong."

"Empoleon," used Darach. "Use Earthquake."

"What?"

"..."

This time, when it really mattered, Empoleon pulled through. Using his Quick Claw again, he overcame the paralysis and executed one of the most beautiful Earthquake attacks (Darach found it so beautiful primarily because of the circumstances) witnessed in Darach's career as both a Trainer and a manservant. Magmortar and Electivire fell in their tracks to the shaking ground. Volkner found himself grabbing hold of Flint, who had as usual burned out and clung loosely to him in return. Darach held Lady Caitlin tighter in his arms.

Bronzong, however, was perfectly fine.

When it ended, Darach and Caitlin were the clear victors. As Flint and Volkner recalled their Pokémon, Darach recalled his Empoleon, then Caitlin's Bronzong in her stead, pocketing its Pokéball. "Thank you..."

"Wow," said Volkner, very much impressed. "That was incredible!"

Flint sulked. "..."

"Can you at least try to be sporting?" Volkner laughed, then turned back to Darach. "Darach. Lady Caitlin. Thank you for th-"

"Yes," said Darach, not really listening. "It was marvelous, wasn't it. Gentlemen...you know the way out, correct? Lady Caitlin requires my assistance."

"Oh," said Volkner. "Of course. We'll see you, I'm sure. Come on, Flint." A pause. "Come _on_, Flint."

"Lady Caitlin," he asked. "Can you hear me? Do you feel alright?"

"Darach," he heard her yawn.

"My Lady!"

"You could have just...zzzzz..."

000

_Sometimes my fics don't have endings. Sometimes I just stop writing._


End file.
